One of the usual problems we face in our relationship with people is miscommunication. How shall we avoid miscommunication? Given the complexity of the communication process, it is not easy to give the answer.
One way that we may help us avoid miscommunication is to consider the five steps of clear communication.
STEPS
1. Clearly state the facts, as they have occurred. Describe what literally happened, without judgment or interpretation. You may check to see if the other person is aware of these facts, and if he has other important pieces of information that need to be considered.
People often put across their own beliefs as objective facts. Don’t. This is more likely to cause other people not only to disagree with you, but to try to make you wrong.
2. Communicate your thoughts and opinions about the situation. Facts are neutral. They become positive or negative, good or bad, right or wrong when you make a judgment about them. Thoughts are your subjective response to the objective facts. Through thoughts and opinions you communicate your evaluation of the facts. This second level includes your attitudes, preferences, and opinions about the facts. Do not communicate your thoughts as if they are facts by stating an opinion like, “The fact is you are wrong.” Often, people will have less resistance to your opinions if you first clarify the objective facts, and then offer your subjective opinions as possibilities.
3. Clearly state your feelings or emotions. You can either control your emotions or your emotions will control you. Emotions will be expressed unconsciously if you do not express them consciously. When you suppress or repress the emotion it becomes unconscious and controls your behavior. To control the emotions effectively, you must acknowledge them consciously. Let the other person know that he may have sensed some emotion from you, and you want to clarify. Let him know you will take responsibility for your own emotion without blaming him for it, and you still want to communicate to him what you believe is important (“I know I may be feeling angry, and I don’t want that to get in the way of working this out,” or “I feel hurt by what you
did, so I want to make sure you understand why this is important to me.”).
Sometimes people mistake their thoughts and opinions for emotions. They may say, “I feel that you do not understand me,” or “I feel you should not be treating me this way.” These feelings are not emotions, they are opinions. Any sentence that begins with “I feel that” is most likely not a statement of emotion, but is a statement of opinion. You may think that someone does not understand you, and you may feel hurt or angry in response. Because of what you think (thoughts) about what happened (facts), you may be upset (emotions). But your communication does not end here. Two more levels must be involved by clarifying why this issue is important to you, and what your expectations are. to you, and what your expectations are.
4. Describe what is important to you about the situation. Take a moment to consider your thoughts and feelings, state what these mean to you, what is important to you and why you think and feel as you do. Any emotion you experience indicates deeper beliefs or priorities which are important to you. You may disagree with the other person about the facts or in your opinions, and yet still hold the same goals and priorities. This can provide a basis for cooperation even when you have different points of view. And if you do not clearly state your priorities, others are likely to make assumptions and fill in the blanks. Eliminating any of the five levels of communication adds fuel to the misunderstanding.
5. Clearly express your expectations, the action you want to take as a result of this discussion. Don’t stay stuck in the emotion of the moment. Don’t expect the other person to guess. Be clear. Be clear enough to identify what you would like the other person to do, and what you will do. It is important to state this expectation in a positive way. You may expect the other person to not understand you. You may expect him to be uncooperative. But this is not really what you want. You want him to understand, you want him to cooperate. You may tend to think that if he really respects you he will know what you want, and will respond accordingly. Whether he knows what you want has nothing to do with whether or not he respects you or cares about you. It has to do with whether you have told him clearly, directly, and concisely what you want of him and of you.
However, since seventy percent of what you communicate is done nonverbally, you may not consciously think about what you say on each of these five levels of communication during a normal conversation, so it may be difficult to suddenly begin measuring all your words in five easy steps. You need to develop a familiarity with each level in order to comfortably use them in a stressful moment. One very effective way to develop this familiarity is to hold the model of the five levels in your mind as a blueprint while you listen to other people. You could actively ask questions about each level, interviewing them until you completely understand what facts they know, their opinions and feelings, what they believe is important, and what they want to do.
The Five Levels of a Clear Communication
1. Observing The Facts: What actually happened?
Describe what you see, hear, feel (touch), taste, smell.
• Possible opening statements: ‘Let me see if I am clear. You said, …
“Is that correct?’
• or “When I see you do …”(describe actual behaviors).
• or “When I hear you say …”(describe actual words).
2. Thoughts/Opinions: What were you thinking?
• What thoughts did you have in response to the input described in step one.
• “(When I see you do …) I think …”
3. Feelings: How did you feel?
• Describe the emotions that you feel in response to the input in step I.
• “(When I hear you say …, I think …) and I feel …”
4. Meaning/Importance: What did this mean to you?
• Explore and communicate the beliefs, judgements, values, and opinions you have about steps I – III. Describe what meaning these facts, thoughts, and feelings have for you:
• “What this means to me is …”
5. Actions/Expectations: What do you want? What will you do?
• Clarify what you will choose to do in response to this situation, and clarify what you request and/or expect of the other person.
• “As a result, I will …”
• “And as a result, I want you to …”
From: http://jefmenguin.wordpress.com/resources/avoid-miscommunication/
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